"Life inside"
A question I wish I never knew the answer to, how does it feel to be a prisoner?
The first 6 months feels like a horrible withdrawal, like someone giving up cigarettes after 20 years cold turkey or some other highly addictive substance.
You see I am an extremely happy go lucky person, I've always been high on life!
I am simply addicted to life and the freedoms we have and take for granted on a daily basis. I am a hard working lucky father of two beautiful children 13 & 14 years of age, they're the best two gifts I have ever received besides life itself.
The simplest existence as a free man is envied by a prisoner. Waking up in a prison cell no bigger then some people's walk-in closet which acts as a bedroom, bathroom, and kitchen table is what I open my eyes to every morning. Some of my first thoughts after morning prayers are of my children/family, loved ones, and what they could be doing at that very moment. Oddly after 15 months in prison I've become numb, so numb! Do to the environment you can't express how you feel!
Sadness, depression, hopelessness, no light at the end of the tunnel, anxiety etc. has to be masked, swallowed, hidden, stomped on, and made numb. It's like a compactor that crushes cardboard boxes except those boxes are all the feelings a prisoner must bury, crush, and suppress into a compartment which acts like a box in your brain, which at times can get so full it feels like bursting but knows it can't.
The simple feeling of productivity, of looking up at the sky without being in a cage like a dog at a kennel, the feeling of driving to your favorite food joint and having the satisfaction of choosing whatever meal you'd like to eat, all these simple feelings are constantly denied and as a prisoner you know you're going to be denied these thing's till one day when you're freed.
I haven't seen stars at night in 15 months and the moon only lucky enough to have seen it through a wire mesh & barred window a hand full of times.
When someone is being held pre-trail they do not have many privilege's. I have been indoors this whole time with the exception of going into a dog kennel cage outside on a concrete slab for 1 hour a few times a month, normally early morning when the sun is at its weakest. Even so that's a luxury at some of the places I have been at during the past 15 months, most don't even let you do that. The feeling that fills you when you're only allowed in a cage like an animal is not a pleasant one.
You know that feeling you have on a nice day when you step outside look up and stretch your arms out and say what a great day to be alive, I haven't felt that in 15 months. I am the type of person that is filled with joy just from doing something that simple. I miss the satisfaction of that feeling! Now the convicted inmates which are separated from us have the luxury of a huge yard, a few football field large where there is grass, clear skies without cages, baseball field, football games, soccer,corn hole, weights etc. they're benches where they can sit and look up at the sky while running their feet in the grass. As a pre-trail prisoner we can see all of these activities but denied all of it because of liability issues. Some days I sit in a chair looking out the windows in the wreck room with tv's, computers for email, and phones. I sit there with my headphones on listening to music and stare far out over the 30 foot concrete wall from the second floor to the only house I can see and daydream of how awesome it would be to wake up in a house rather then a cold cinderblock warehouse with steel doors and bars. The prison is surrounded by farmland and luckily i can see mountains in the distance. The only peace I am lucky enough to get is in the evening as I listen to my music and gaze at the beautiful sunset over the mountains, its bitter sweet.
Then at night the house in the distance lights up with life. Ahhhh and I run off into another daydream. At times I grow so homesick I could cry but that's not allowed in prison so I suck it up and bury it!
Suppressing yet another emotion that weighs me down further.
What keeps going on through my mind daily is how murderers are getting bail daily and I have been denied 3 times.... doesn't feel fair!
I have to thank God for giving me a strong mind because for some that can't
compartmentalize all that's happening to them they fall apart. I've seen some who seem to lose their minds. With all the suffering that goes with being a prisoner for first and last time in my adult life, I am blessed to have support from family, loved ones, and friends. It means the world to get a letter of encouragement from a friend, family, or stranger.
My whole life I've never been the type of person to ask for help, pity, or anything.
I do not believe in the victim mentality but I've cracked a bit and realize its ok to let some of this pressure out a bit in talking through letters, emails, and phone calls.
A kind word or an encouraging message can make my day! Prison strips a man of all his defenses. I dream daily of the day I can simply turn a door knob and let myself out, turning the key to the ignition, driving to my favorite food joint, hug and kiss my babies, and breathe in free fresh air!
The depths of darkness that goes through a prisoner's mind can't be explained. No free man/woman can ever claim to know or feel what its like to be a prisoner. The best possible comparison would be being abducted and taken hostage is what it feels like. Where someone else makes every decision for you against your wishes and you're cut off from help just hoping you can be freed one day.
My advice to all would be no one should take anyone in their lives for granted, EVER! Any day, any moment can be the last time you see, hear them, or can tell someone how you feel, and what they mean to you.
If you're a free person at this moment thank God and love those close to you! Most of us suffer from communication problems and we all need to learn to listen better to each other, love and appreciate one another, and communicate to the people in our lives what they mean to us.
I want to thank everyone for your kind words and support!
It means the world to me!
GOD BLESS YOU ALL! AND GOD BLESS AMERICA!!!!!
SAMUEL LAZAR
Lewisburg prisoner